Everythihg crashed and burned.
Lost Ronie, lost Kat, lost Gavin and Jess, lost all the friends I made with the at Lancaster, lost Nyatherai, lost Jenni..

It's been an uphill struggle fixing this mess.. None of which I damn well earned.

In some ways I wish they would ALL vanish so I didn't have to bother.
But I'm not a loner like that anymore. I used to ENJOY being alone. All the time. Just do my work, play my games and stay out of the way of people in general.
Fat chance of that happening anymore.

I barely managed to fix my friendship with Ronie after everything we'd been through, which is NOT being posted on a public LJ.
Kat screwed me over big time. She's the reason most of this has happened, actualy.
I wrote her a letter the same way she wrote me one. But mine said I never wanted to see her again. Ever.
It's a lie. I wish I was with her now. But I'm not backing down from this unless there's something in it for ME.

I give, and give, and give, and give, until I have nothing left TO give. And these greedy motherfuckers still want more. If they want more, they can give me something to make it worth MY time and MY effort for these relationships and friendships.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a game geek, especially RPGs. Me and my so called best friend Jamie have built up an interesting collection of RPGs over time. Which we ended up trading a lot of for things for him, despite the fact I pay for most of it because he spends all his cash on skateboards which he breaks within a month or on alco-frigging-hol.

The other day he texts me out of the blue if we want to go trade in OUR collection of games so HE can get a DS.
Yeah.. obviously, I'm going to let him trade in over £100 of games for something that only he will use, when out of all the games, he has bought 2.
1 of which he actually got for nothing.
FF1/2 - mine
FF3 - mine
FF4/5 - his
FF6 - mine
FF7 - mine
FF8 - his
FF9 - mine
FF10(wherever that's gone) - mine
FF12 - mine
Chocobo Dungeon 2 - mine
FF7: Dirge of Cerberus - mine
Now let's see.. why should -I- give up all those games for a DS, one of which he USED to have before trading it in for practically nothing, not to mention the DS game that we both bought and -I- never played, because the snake went and traded it without telling me for a week or so.
So yeah, some best friend he's been lately. Lucy, I see what you meant all those years ago, I'm sorry I doubted you.

That's one example of why I am PISSED off. So no, I'm NOT trading them.
Especially when he tries to blackmail me with a debt I owe to a friend, that he ALSO owes and has NO intention of paying back AND I have had payment arranged for WITH that friend for about a year now, and also by claiming that there are more games of his then there actually are.

Out of all my friends in this craphole town, the ONLY ones who haven't used me for their own gain are listed right here, this is friends I know in person not the internet.. (Small list huh?)
Lucy - bless you for being there, even when I'm annoying
Jenny - knows more about me then anyone who I'm still speaking to
Andy - school bud, always lightens the mood
Steven - moody bastard at times, but funny as hell
Lee and Donna - THE terrible twosome
Graham - Good old Aladdin the pirate boy! Shame he'll never see this. =P

There's a chance I've missed some, but to be honest, who cares. If I can only name that short a list out of all the friends I've gained through the years of being here, what does it matter huh? -I- know who counts.


And those people who count I have continued to have worked for.
They're my true friends, I never want to lose them and I value you all dearly.
But if any of you so much as act like snake boy up there, or any of the other morons which I will have mentioned at some point, be warned.
I'm not taking kindly to be used any more. My cruel side has already shown a few times, and it's made my life a lot easier and allowed me to keep real friends a lot closer.
Y'all have been warned. ¬_¬;


On a lighter note, I finally caught up to my Clan Leader's, Peter's, level on GunZ. YAY! I'm happy about that, it was hard work to level up so damn fast.
I also got a few Biffy Clyro CDs, which I am also happy about. MON THE BIFFY!
I'm still going strong in YuGiOh, building decks and the like.


At the moment. Being uncaring about people trying to use me, and being extra caring to those people who count.. it's working well for me.
Right. Now I gotta go OVERTAKE Peter's level on GunZ. I have some new moves and tactics to try out too. I'll leave another post some other time, laters.



Follow this quote and it will get you through life.
"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out who far one can go." - TS Eliot

Lucy didn't get the message I left her. And it also took her a week to notice it was there.. after I mentioned that I left her one there. I know I shouldn't be such a wuss and just email her to tell her how I feel but I can't.
Literally can't, like tonight when I tried to. I looked at her and went to say it about 6 times! ..to no avail. No words. Nothing, nada, zilch, Z.E.R.O.
I think she got what I wanted to say but didn't. I hope so anyway.
And now for the point of this post!

How exactly did I wind up close enough to Lucy to try and speak to her? I was worried about her cause she hadn't been feeling so great over the past few days. So I decided to go see her. I didn't feel so nervous when I was calling her to ask what she thought of the mail. But on the way to SEE her.. FOR THE LOVE OF THE GRIM REAPERS KITTEN!!

I wanted the car to drop down a gigantic ditch. Then get swallowed into the ground. And then get disappear. And THEN.. uh.. something else that hides the existence of things.. America..?
I got there, and sat with her for a while. We chatted abut life in general and made jokes and messed around with her Tarzan gorilla teddy.. O_o
I said she owed me a hug and in typical Lucy way she just flopped her head on me.
Then.. she fell asleep on me. She had rock music playing off her laptop, fairly loud.. but everything seemed so quiet...

I had my head leaned against hers as a sort of double half-assed hug, and she didn't move. I leaned forward a bit and she was fast asleep.. she looked so peaceful, not to mention beautiful.
I wasn't sure what the hell to do. I didn't want to wake her but I knew I didn't have long left to stay there. So I just put my arm around her and held her for a while. She twitched a few times. Sorta like when you're uncomfortable, but she stopped when I started to stroke her hair a little. I TRIED to keep it gentle, but my hands were bloody shaking. *sighs*

She woke up soon though. She just looked at me and said DATE RAPE in a jokey way, then grabbed her gorilla teddy and cuddled right up to me and fell asleep in my arms again..
I don't know what else to put about it.. It was.. the best feeling I've had in so long..

I'd give anything to have that happen again.

Back in reality my mind is telling me not to get my hopes up.. every girlfriend I ever had has left me. (Usually to be with another guy who then screwed them around. Nice guys finish last huh..? Story of my life.)

But I can't help it.. when I spoke to her on MSN she told me she didn't know what to say.. And then she told me about all the shit that had been happening in her life. And me feeling like a twat for my ridiculously awful timing.. ugh.
But now.. I want to be with her even more. EVERYTHING else seems to disappear when I'm with her.. I wish I had the nerve to ask her if she feels the same way when I'm with her.
(Jebus.. I thought I wouldn't use LJ much.. I guess a pause between posts leaves some room to talk...)
There've been a few times when she's told me what she longed for in a guy.
Some of them are a little.. simple.. things that any good boyfriend should do. It makes me sad sometimes thinking about the things she wants, when they're so small, yet so hard for her find. things like sitting down together to watch a movie, and having the guy watch her and give her attention more then the movie.. Someone who'll cuddle her and just BE with her. Someone who just loves her. Or at least cares about her.

Shouldn't someone like her already HAVE a guy who'd do that? She's PERFECT.
She's tall, slim, perfect skin, a smile that puts snow white to shame, eyes that could hypnotize you in a second, huge grey eyes.. they change colours.. they're amazing. Very dark browny-red hair down to just above her shoulders..
She's funny, and she's kind, she's gentle, helpful, considerate, friendly.. get your ass onto thesaurus.com and look up perfection or any of the above words.. That should just about let you know how amazing she is.

HOW has no-one treated her right? I'm guilty of it too I suppose. We did try once. But that didn't last long. the circumstances of that are not something to be left on a public journal entry. (I don't hide mine.)

That's what I'm sick of. I want to do all the things she wants a guy to do.

I hope she gives me a chance.
I'll do it all. ALL of it.
It's what she deserves, and it's what I want to do.

More then anything in the world, I want to make her happy.

Okay, so.. Since that last angsty teen emo kid annoyingly lame entry I had to start off with things have gone up down down up up up then right down again.
No it's NOT a Sonic cheat code. I didn't add "press A and start".
Anyway right now things are turning back up properly.

I was worried about an awful lot of people and generally feeling worthless for not being able to help any of them, even though in reality I already had done something for most of them, I just wouldn't listen when they told me so.
*slaps hand for being ignorant*
So, after realising that I was feeling much better until all of a sudden I started feeling tired, sore, very VERY sick, actually was sick and couldn't sleep at all for a week or so. Not very nice, but then the shit hit the fan when I started getting bollocked by many many peoples for not doing things I'd done etc. etc. That dragged me down a little..
Then I went and hung around with some old friend and started calling Lucy more to check up on her. It's great, I can make sure she's feeling okay and catch up with her and I always feel better for talking to her afterwards too. Might have something to do with how much she rawks. ^_^
And then all the previous crap caught up with me AGAIN, so that made me feel even worse then before and the stupid lame worrying and feeling slightly worthless came back COMBINED with the feeling very ill.
Oh JOYS, all the happiness in the world hath come to follow me and leave happy trails behind meh! YAAAAAAAAAAAAYness. Or.. not.

Anyway, that was then this is now, that bullshit has kinda wandered off somewhere. I think I saw it hitch hiking to Cardiff. Go figure.
right now I'm sorta hyped. for thar be a special someone who has meant an awful lot to me since as far as i can remember. Most people know who she is, she probably does too. I hope. But lately I've been feeling a lot more strongly for that person, and I couldn't really wait to tell her any longer. So I let her know. Last night.
(To be honest it was pissing me off with the way things have been dragging her through the dirt and I thought it was about she knew that at least SOMEONE gave a damn about her. Angels don't generaly deserve to feel unloved. (Argh the CHEESE!))
So that's the first good thing I have to report, it's also the most important one.

Other then that, I've been speaking my non-blood sister Holly in Sweden, and my new friend Dustin. He lives in Germany. He's goth and mosher and all the coolness of the original alternative styles and genres rolled into one. These two make me smile a lot. ^_^

That's all for now. I'm a little too hyper to keep writing fat the moment. And anxious about what news I'm gonna get today. Oh well!

*sings loudly and does some more pixel art*